Friday, October 06, 2006

dirty little

Nobody knows that I’m living with you. That you’re with me from the very moment I open my eyes, everyday. What once began as perhaps a questionable relationship has bloomed into a full fledged regret. Though, I never invited you into my life. You helped yourself.

Now, our relationship is strained. I make secret plans to rid you from my life, but somehow you always find out. You’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’ll find you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried at your hands, behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.

Nobody knows that I fight with you every day, swearing, screaming, and cursing your name. You taunt me in a sing-song voice, “You have driven everyone you care about away. You’re a loser.” I’ve taken out all of my anger towards you on innocent people.

You’re abusive; never removing your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose; to see me weak, to see me cry. Nobody knows that you scare me. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me. You’re controlling me; never allowing me to lead a normal life, forcing me to make up lies. “You need me,” you say. ”I’m all you know.”

You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped. I’m all you have.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.


Buffy said...

I sometimes write outrageous fiction. Through the eyes of myself and my friends. That may be what this is.

On the chance it's not....or on the chance that some similar person googles this post....I have to recommend 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin deBecker. It's mainly a book about women keeping themselves safe from strangers... but he devotes a small section to domestic abuse's well worth the buy for women like the character in this post ...if only for this bit.

Miss Valerie Jean said...

I linked here from dooce comments. Your writing is gorgeous, true and amazing. I will definitly keep reading. Miss Valerie Jean

Anonymous said...

i found your post by googling "i hate that i miss you" and i've been reading your blog for 30 minutes now. then i found this post.

i'm slowly admitting to myself that i have an eating disorder and every single line you wrote is how i feel.

i had to read it twice, just to be sure.

but its true. i'm in an abusive relationship with myself.

Anonymous said...

I can understand what it is to see a sinking is glorious but immensely sad!!