Friday, August 25, 2006

just to be better

I want to stop wanting something better. I want to stop wanting things I can’t have. I want for it to be alright for me to be sad. I want to know how people really see me. And then I never want to care about it again.

I want you to only ever say hello, never goodbye. I want to stop being afraid of people. Of myself. I want you to make me feel better, not just wish you could. I want people to understand me. I want for it to be alright for me to be me.

I want to know that I’m valued. I want to stop attracting my worst fears. I want to be brave. I want to stop being destructive. Self, or otherwise. I want to stop being hurt. I want to stop covering it up.

I want to stop looking at my life and seeing so much wrong with it. I want to only see the good, never the bad. I want to speak softer, be more kind. I want to handle difficult situations gracefully.

I want to be okay, even indifferent when I see you together. I want to understand why it couldn’t work out with us, and learn. I want to stop making the same mistakes. I want to be comfortable with a new path.

I want to know that what I see is indeed the truth. I want to just let go, fall, and know that I’ll be safe. I want to see the good in you, and I only want to know that of you. I want to know all your stories, without having to pry.

I want to go to bed every night satisfied. I want to be undeniably happy, and I want to shout it from the roof tops. I want someone to want. And have them want me right back. I want to know when I’ve got a good one, and stop fucking it up. I want to never want again.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


I’ll swallow you like a pill; taste the bitterness of you on my tongue as you consume my body. Lick my lips with a drop of water and wash you down inside. Crawl beneath my skin, like an ache. Rush through my veins; use my blood cells as life rafts. Raid my flesh, and strip me of my sanity.

I’ll draw you into me, slowly, breathe your sighs and inhale you like a drug. Multiply and invade me, steal my purity, and control me. Grip my wrists in your hands; tighter. Hold me beneath you, paralyze my virtue and guilt. Untie the corset of my fa├žade, and watch me unravel. I’m fluid underneath you, malleable to the warmth of your body, and the pressure of your hands.

I’ll drink you in like absinthe. And with every sip I take, you’ll shatter my grace and I’ll distort. I’m swallowing you but you’re devouring me. Taste the rapture on my skin, beneath the innocence; bitter under a thin veil of sweet.

You’re a silent storm radiating through me, in thunderous even pulses. I’ll savour the red velvet of your kiss, the salt of your skin, the taste of me on your lips, fingertips. I’m thirsty for your breath on my body.

Feed me on an IV drip. I’m addicted to your virus.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


This perfume I'm wearing, I like it. It's clean, smells like soap, warm skin from a shower. Little drops of water on my freckled shoulders. But every time I wear it, I want to crawl back into bed. I associate it with something sad, I think. Something sad, and being tangled in sheets wearing jeans, barefoot. Letting go of someone, wanting to hold on to someone else. Cuddling, knowing it would end, or conversely, never begin. It's pretty, but it hurts.

It’s a go between. Juicy summer scents and rich velvet and tweed perfume. It’s perfect for today; the skies are gunmetal silk, lonely and cold. I think of you when the streets glisten. Whoever you are. When I think of you, I see golden fields of wheat under a navy blue sky. A dark road to a warm and familiar destination. Drinking the cold air. White sheets beneath a down tent, and too many pillows. Wool and cashmere.

I can’t decide if you’re my past, or my future.