Saturday, October 28, 2006


There is something I never told you. Something you deserve to know. I never told you because I thought it would be selfish of me to say it. I held back, believing you would be better off not knowing. I always thought there were so many reasons not to tell you this, I thought that everything would hang in the balance, and I would be the one to lose. I didn’t have enough courage to tell you, when I should have. I let fear rule me and now it may be too late.

I should have taken more chances, dared to take more risks. I should have based my decisions on love, not fear. I should have been brave, and not afraid to make mistakes, or errors. I should have learned to live without regret, and not look back, but look ahead. If I had more time, I’d do things differently. I would live out loud, and honestly. I should have had the courage to tell you this a long time ago, despite what may have happened. And now I will never know.

I played it too safe. I colored inside the lines, and followed every rule. I never leapt without looking, and sat on the fence too much. I respected authority, even when I knew better and never listened to my instincts... even when they were perfectly in line with reality. I never rocked the boat, even when it was something I desperately wanted. I was seen, but not heard.

I love you. I am realizing now, as I write this, that it was selfish of me not to tell you. I was afraid that I would be hurt, never considering that it might just be the one thing you needed to hear. The one thing you’ve waited for. I feared that by telling you this, I’d be committing a crime, an offense against someone. There are far worse things in this world than loving someone. I couldn’t tell you without knowing if you’d reciprocate, but I never trusted myself that I would be okay even if you didn’t.

If there were time, I would tell you, how much I loved you. I’d be sure you knew that I loved you strongly, unconditionally, and without reserve. I’d want you to know that you were always in my heart, even now, and that I never felt alone because I carried you inside me. You would feel my love for you in my touch, hear it in my voice when I called your name, you would see it in the way I look at you.

If I could tell you that I loved you at this very moment, I would no longer be afraid of what awaits me. Time has run out for me. But because of my discernment, perhaps I never really lived at all.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

let go

We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are. – Anais Nin

You convinced me to go to Cuba with you. I’d already been, and loved it so much, I was willing to forgo the fact that our relationship had ended. As we shopped for bikinis, shorts and sun dresses, I watched you, wondering, “Is this the right thing to do?” As if you could read my mind, you looked at me over the body of a mannequin and assured me that we’d have a great time.

I left packing for the last minute; having done this twice this year already I knew what I should bring, and what could stay behind. And at the airport I stood waiting to board with my ticket in hand, panicking. I shouldn’t do this. This is a bad idea. It felt like the fear of flying. Though this time I didn’t worry about the plane’s turbulence, I worried about ours. But I boarded anyways, and once we were up in the air, I started to think about our last vacation in an effort to pacify myself. Maybe it could have been different. Though, I’d still remember it the way it was, truly; excited early mornings that greeted us with the scent of the ocean, sleepy faced guests washed in warm sun, the creaky doors, wet bathroom floors, matching flip flops, sunburns, and Sunsets.

I knew it wouldn’t be any different, to you, or me. You’d see it the way you believed it happened, and so would I.

Though I know you’ll never read this, I am putting it out there, to let you go, for you to carry on; healthy, happy and fulfilled. I am sorry. I am sorry for what happened. I am sorry that I upset you. But more than anything, I am sorry I lost your friendship. I wish that you achieve your wildest dreams, your deepest hopes and your heart’s desire.

Friday, October 06, 2006

dirty little

Nobody knows that I’m living with you. That you’re with me from the very moment I open my eyes, everyday. What once began as perhaps a questionable relationship has bloomed into a full fledged regret. Though, I never invited you into my life. You helped yourself.

Now, our relationship is strained. I make secret plans to rid you from my life, but somehow you always find out. You’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’ll find you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried at your hands, behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.

Nobody knows that I fight with you every day, swearing, screaming, and cursing your name. You taunt me in a sing-song voice, “You have driven everyone you care about away. You’re a loser.” I’ve taken out all of my anger towards you on innocent people.

You’re abusive; never removing your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose; to see me weak, to see me cry. Nobody knows that you scare me. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me. You’re controlling me; never allowing me to lead a normal life, forcing me to make up lies. “You need me,” you say. ”I’m all you know.”

You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped. I’m all you have.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.