Tuesday, July 04, 2006

bete noir

I hate what you’re doing to me. I hate what I am doing to myself, because it takes two.

I hate that you look at me like that, with her right next to you. I hate that I don’t exist in your world when she’s near. I hate that I stop breathing when you enter the room. I hate that my heart thumps when I hear your voice or your laugh.

I hate that I am hurt by this, that it makes me sad and jealous. I hate that I hear those songs, and crave your flesh. I hate that she sleeps next to you, and breathes your scent. I hate that she shares your life.

I hate that I am crying again over something I did to myself. I hate that I search for answers in the dark, blindly clutching at strings. I hate that I lie to friends and skate over all the bumps in my life. I hate when you touch me with your hands and the cool gold grazes my skin.

I hate that I miss you, that I’m disappointed when there is nothing in my Inbox. I hate that I avoid your glances because I feel neglected. I hate when you don’t look at me. I hate that I feel this way about you because it will never end with her, and instead I will have to end it with you.

I hate that I see only what I want to see, and when reality comes crashing in, I turn a blind eye. I hate that I think of you every day, every hour. I hate that you are present in my life, even when you aren’t around.

I hate that I hold onto hope, even when it’s clear as crystal there is none. I hate that I pray for a clear answer, and courage. Because I need help. I hate that I won’t stop looking for you. I hate that I deny the truth.

I hate that to get away from this situation I’d have to leave behind people I care about. I hate saying ‘goodbye’ to you. I hate when my imagination works overtime, and my intuition leads me astray.

I hate that I want answers but am too afraid to ask. I hate that I immediately knew a year ago how much I’d care about you now. I hate that we’re a paradox. I hate seeing that picture of you and feeling thirsty.

I hate that I want to be near you. I hate the way your hair is styled because I want to run my hands through it. I hate that even just after I’ve eaten, I’m hungry for you. I hate that I want to taste you on my lips. I hate that when I came back from holiday, I could’ve ended it. But I didn’t, because I’d miss you.

I hate that even when you’re a foot away from me, you’re still too far. I hate that I feel nauseous when I think of the worst. I hate that I want you so much.

I hate that I dream of you and when I wake my life feels empty. I hate that I’ve memorized your characteristics. I hate that I know the paths your veins take under your skin.

I hate that I wait for you to tell me. I hate that I measure everyone up against you, and they always fall short. I hate that I want to quit, stop, but I’m addicted. I hate that you hold back. I hate that you surprise me with sneak attack separations. I hate that I might not be the only one.

I hate that you have another life, one that I am not a part of. I hate that I didn’t meet you years ago. I hate that I will never have a permanent position in your life. I hate that I love you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I linked to your blog through "Greek Tragedy"...really beautiful entries here, my dear.

Had to comment on this post because I am VERY familiar with this situation, but from the other side. I am with someone who has "another" in his life - a dear, close friend who just so happens to be a "girl" friend. She also has told him before that she loves him and that she wants to be more than friends, long before I was ever in the picture. He wanted nothing to do with it...thinks of her as his sister.

At the same time, they are extremely close, and I know deep in my heart that she was a very good friend to him during many difficult times in his life. I can not come between these two, it wouldn't be fair or right. But that doesn't change the fact that she has openly told him that she pines for him, loves him, wishes that they could be together. And I can honestly say that it is something that will probably tear my relationship with him apart.

Now, I don't know your personal situation. Sounds more like you had a pretty serious relationship (read: sexual or committed) with this person, which would make this a very different circustance indeed. But, at the same time, this love for him, the connection you have, it may need to be cut, and you will be the one that will have to make the move. Because for now, it sounds like he has made his choice...and even if he continues to tease you with the possibilities of what could have been between the two of you or his short-lived "separations", well, I have a feeling that you will end up being his fool, time and time again.