sullen

I was just thinking the other day that my title, Beautifully Broken, may not suit me any more. I felt re-built, even if just a little bit. Enough to give me hope and a will to re-build the rest of me.

I spoke too soon.

But pain, heartache and feeling adrift is what makes it so much easier for me to write.

Cheers to my somewhat shaky emotional state!

through the looking glass

I know you. I’ve seen you before. You’re so familiar, the way you tuck your thumb into your fist when you are sleeping, how you tilt your head when you are speaking and the way you bite your lower lip when you are thinking. Haven’t we met before? Or had a friendship, relationship? If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were at one time a part of my life. You look just like me; your voice youthful, your skin translucent. We are so similar, our movements, our language, and sense of humour. Maybe we grew up together?

Then, at what point did we become so different? And when did we stop speaking to each other? Why are we divided; you in the light, the warmth, and me in the dark, the cold? You do everything right. You’re kind, and thoughtful. Genuine; what you see is what you get. Everyone loves you. And you love them right back. You’re careful, and diplomatic, levelheaded, smart and strong. Beautiful, graceful and delicate. I do everything wrong. I’m selfish, and distant. I have a hidden agenda. I love the wrong people, and they don’t love me back. I take what isn’t mine. I’m rough, vague, and reckless. I am empty, useless and hopeless. I have a temper, and a short fuse. I am erratic, and unstable. I’m sneaky, calculating and deceiving. Heartbreaker, temptress and villain.

We are mirrored images; similar to the naked eye, but so different below the surface. How is it that we look the same, but live completely opposite lives? I will always be the predator, and you will always be the prey. How have we continued to fool everyone around us? When did I begin to hate you so much? And why did we fall apart, splitting up? How did I become the distorted and twisted version of you? Did I walk away from you? Or were you the one to run?

I knew you once upon a time. I knew everything there was to know about you. But you’re a stranger to me, an enemy now. Through the looking glass; you’re trapped, and I am the one walking free.

dirty little

Nobody knows that I’m living with you. That you’re with me from the very moment I open my eyes, everyday. What once began as perhaps a questionable relationship has bloomed into a full fledged regret. Though, I never invited you into my life. You helped yourself.

Now, our relationship is strained. I make secret plans to rid you from my life, but somehow you always find out. You’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’ll find you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried at your hands, behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.

Nobody knows that I fight with you every day, swearing, screaming, and cursing your name. You taunt me in a sing-song voice, “You have driven everyone you care about away. You’re a loser.” I’ve taken out all of my anger towards you on innocent people.

You’re abusive; never removing your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose; to see me weak, to see me cry. Nobody knows that you scare me. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me. You’re controlling me; never allowing me to lead a normal life, forcing me to make up lies. “You need me,” you say. ”I’m all you know.”

You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped. I’m all you have.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.